It has been a long time since I last posted, which is mainly due to the fact that chronic migraine makes it difficult for me to take the time I used to write. But I recently did an exercise that is very personal and I feel that it could possibly help someone. Even if it just serves as a moment of encouragement to those who are dealing with chronic illness or chronic pain, I am willing to be completely vulnerable. I was encouraged to write a letter to God about how I feel...which He already knows all that is in my heart. The reality is this was more for me and now possibly to help others.
My Most Beloved Lord,
I know You are with me always, but sometimes in the middle of my pain I can feel all alone. I wish I could physically hold onto You because I know I would be made whole if I could just touch You. But I don't get to see You in this physical world and I often find myself wondering if it is Your voice I hear in my heart or if it is my own thoughts. I feel my thoughts can deceive me and I just want confirmation that it is You.
And then I find myself crying out to You, pleading for healing, but it doesn't come. You told me it is coming soon, but how much longer must I wait for the suffering to end? Lord, I am thankful I am held by You, but it is hard to feel it in the midst of my pain and brain fog and focus issues that comes with this illness.
Sometimes, I look at the life others have been given and it is hard to see mine in comparison. I have served You and believed You, but yet suffering seems to be the life I am given. It is hard to see people not even give a thought to how to make it through the day when they do not even believe You or follow You.
But, You are always faithful. And even though I sometimes feel like I'm barely making it, You give me what I need in the moment. Each day is full of the mercies You pour out on me. These mercies include Your never-ending love and forgiveness. Each day, You give me Your strength when I ask You for help. You speak Your beautiful thoughts and words of hope over me. You anoint me to do Your good works.
You give me blessings like my family. You give me a home and food and so much that I don't necessarily need.
You have been healing my soul, which is more powerful than I can understand right now. Even when I don't understand, may my life be a reflection of Your work in me. I lift up praise to You, who listens to me even on Your great throne!
You promised me healing and I know it will come! You are faithful and always keep Your promises. Even when it is hard, You are always with me, always lifting me up.
You, most holy Father, love me and look upon me with joy because I'm Your creation and beloved child. Your love is overwhelming and beyond my comprehension. My heart is full with Your love for me.
May my heart and mouth always sing of Your goodness. May others be drawn to You because of Your great love. May my life be worship to You!
In Jesus' Name, Amen.